Once upon a time, I thought my ‘happily ever after’ would leave me relatively unchanged and firm in who I was. Marriage was really just a piece of paper afterall, a legal union between two people who loved each other.

The problem was, I was trying to do two flesh things inside a one flesh situation. Not knowing what the words “…and the two shall become one flesh” even meant, I joined my husband in marriage while remaining rooted in myself. 

I didn’t know that marriage is a picture of Christ and His church, and it represents the sacrificial, covenantal love of all that Christ did for us. I didn’t know that marriage is the place where husbands and wives are called to holiness above happiness, and that loving, honoring, and serving one another is an outpouring of obedience to God. I didn’t know that it would become my most important ministry.

The heart change and subsequent sanctification upon turning to Jesus radically shifted my view of marriage, of my husband, of myself as a wife, and of Christ. In a way, I am grateful for my early and ignorant years because it makes me appreciate just how good God truly is. 

Recently, I was reading Ephesians 5 about wives and husbands, about submission and love. Verse 31 harkens back to Genesis and God’s design for a man leaving his father and mother and holding fast to his wife. Likewise, I was reading in Matthew 19, in which Jesus responds to the Pharisees about marriage, also bringing up Genesis, and then repeats Himself by saying in verse 6, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 

This caught my eye in my study because God’s design for marriage is clear, consistent, and repeated. One flesh matters a lot to God.

I know and can admit by now that God’s ways are always better, and that when I try to do my own thing or go my own way, I will reap what I sow. 

Speaking of reaping and sowing, not long ago I began to see bad fruit from bad seeds I had planted early on in my marriage still showing up, and I knew I had some lopping to do. It led to feeling convicted of my sin, repenting to God first and my husband second, and a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. 

I felt the Holy Spirit’s presence pretty strongly during the conversation with my husband about all of this. The words that came forth didn’t really feel like my own: “The wife I used to be is no longer here; she’s gone. I’ve been made new.” I apologized for the wife I used to be, and told him I support him 100% – where he goes, I go. It felt kind of intense and was hard for him to digest at points, but the words needed to be said nonetheless.

My thought patterns and prayers have changed since too. I knew that if I was going to repent, I had better change my words and actions; different fruit requires different seeds to be planted. 

In His goodness and grace, God has shown me how much my own thoughts, grumblings, and attitude colors everything around me. If I serve my family but do it while grumbling and complaining, it is not truly honoring God or those I love. My heart posture has changed to using my hands and words to build up my home, and building up the man I married. Ministering to his needs feels like an act of worship to the Lord, because I’m serving the man He gifted me. 

An honestly surprising part of God’s work in my life is how my prayers are now worded and answered. Instead of a generic “please watch over my husband” because I didn’t know what else to say, these words flow freely: “Lord, you know and love my husband more than I do – he’s your child first; please show me how he needs to be loved.” The things my eyes have been opened to are incredible!

I’ve come to learn what one flesh means, and that when I do things that work against my husband, I’m actually working against myself, because we are one. I now know the meaning of the Proverb about a wise woman building her house while a foolish one tears it down with her own hands (14:1). I know how much God wants us to understand the one flesh union because it points to Him and His bride, the church. What a beautiful gift marriage is to give us a glimpse on earth of what is to come!

I am so, so glad I didn’t miss out on it. When holiness is treasured above personal happiness, the true joy that develops is beyond measure. Praise God for His masterful design.

“So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Matthew 19:6