“Because I’m an excellent wife!”

My sarcastic reply came at the moment when I thought I was being a “good wife.”  It happened when I let my husband sleep longer instead of waking him for dinner. He had been working crazy hours and needed sleep, I was sure, so I didn’t wake him. And when he asked me why, I proclaimed my excellency in jest. My husband chuckled and agreed, and then explained that he’d rather be woken to eat dinner with his family tired. 

Well, my bad. I had clearly misread his needs in that moment. I’ve since learned to check ahead of time, or plan dinner at a different hour, or just deal with a tired husband (police wife life, amirite?). 

But this little exchange and the lessons learned blend with the study I’ve been trying to do around biblical marriage and what it means to be a “help meet” for my husband. 

I’ve certainly felt conviction in this area of my life. God has knocked down worldly ideas that I held to when it comes to being a wife, and built up something better. Everything from finally changing my last name to his after almost twelve years of marriage, to fully and completely trusting him to be the protector and provider for our family. What used to feel scary now feels peaceful. 

I can’t fully explain how far I’ve come without reflecting on where I started. It’s painful, but I’m learning to forgive that younger, foolish version of the wife I used to be. I wasn’t taught how to be a wife, and for a long time I didn’t even want a husband. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hated men, but the feminist-y worldview reigned heavy on my mind – “I am woman, hear me roar” and all that deluded junk.

That roar is still inside me, but it rises for different reasons now. It rises for worship of the God who saved me, for the husband I love fiercely, and the daughter I am blessed to have.

As I’m learning to trust God’s plan for my life, I know the content I study and learn from comes to me at just the right time. Any earlier, and I might have dismissed it. Any earlier, and I might have dug in deeper to the belief that I was perfectly fine as a wife and maybe my husband was the one who needed to change.

But boy oh boy, did I need to do some work, and boy oh boy do I still need to do some work. 

Part of that work is clinging to what God says about marriage and the role of a wife. Having read the beginning of Genesis quite a few times, I’m familiar with verse 2:18: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.’” Still, really understanding what being “a helper corresponding to him” means is another story.

The notes in one of my Bibles say, “When God saw Adam by himself, he responded this way: It is not good for the man to be alone. So he promises to make a helper corresponding to him. A wife is there to be a man’s counterpart, equal to him, and adding what he lacks.” 

Okay, that gives a little bit more. However, in a world that props up women being in charge, God’s design of woman adding to man seems backwards – though obviously, it’s the world that has turned this on its head through sin. 

A couple of months ago, I led an online women’s Bible study that focused on marriage and motherhood. I had purposefully picked the study because I needed the learning in this area of my life. When we got to the study section on Eve, the first wife, we reviewed how uniquely Eve was formed – from the side of her husband. 

This quote from Matthew Henry was included in the summary of Eve section in that study:

“That the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

This clinched it for me. To be a wife is to be your husband’s helper (or help meet), strong and capable, there to surround your husband with respect, honor, and even protection in some sense, to help and do what your husband cannot do without you.

God knew His creation of man was good, but the man needed something. He needed a helper; none could be found in all of creation until the unique formation of woman from man. And how did the man respond?

“And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken from man” (Genesis 2:23).

The phrase “by your side” takes on a whole new meaning when you understand how and why the very first wife was created. Help meet is not a label of inferiority but an acknowledgement of strength!

So, am I an excellent wife, as I proclaimed that night a few weeks ago? The short answer is: I’m a work in progress. The longer answer is that I’m still selfish, my pride gets in the way sometimes, I’m mouthy and opinionated, and I wouldn’t say I always honor my husband in the way I should, but I’m working on it. 

Sometimes I’m not so sure I am the ideal counterpart to my husband. I’m surely lacking. Thankfully I know it’s not me as I am – it’s Christ working in me – still forming me to be the help meet by my husband’s side. 

To meet his needs and help him in his role as husband and father, provider and protector, adding what he can’t. I’m learning how to truly be by his side. It’s one of the greatest privileges of my life. 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

(Genesis 2:24)